Uncategorized

Suburban Pressure

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Moulin Rouge

Moulin Rouge is an entertaining movie, but quite frankly the notion that all you need is love is not one that carries much weight around here. Love is great, it is one of Maslow’s five basic needs. Love is a powerful force that has sent armies to war, people to jail, and caused people to lay down their lives for another. Perceived love (in the form of arranged marriages) was used to bind countries together.

And yet, it doesn’t pay the mortgage. It doesn’t instantly make my kids a success. And it certainly doesn’t make them behave. You see, it takes more than love, or at least it feels that way. It takes money, skills, time, and all the after school activities you can sign your kids up for to make them a success. This is what is taught in the suburbs. Not explicitly. But implicitly when you talk to people, or look at what their kids are involved in, it feels like the world is always providing something more, something better, for their kids. While mine get the lesser.

All this causes pressure. It puts pressure on both parents in different ways but for those of us who are fathers, it pressures us to work harder to try to provide more and better opportunities. But in that work we lose time and opportunities to be with our children. We teach them that we only show we love them by working harder, not by being with them. We perpetuate the false truths that already swirl in the culture.

Sadly, we too often ignore the role that love plays. We ignore that truly loving someone requires dying to ourselves each and every day. Many are quick to say that they would take a bullet for a family member. But in the words of George Washington (in Hamilton) “Dying is easy, living is harder”. Living each day choosing someone else’s welfare over ours is hard. Answering the question why time and again is hard.

But really, isn’t this how the perfect father would act? With patience, kindness, and a desire to truly be present with his kids? Work may be inevitable, but finding that balance is crucial to creating children who in turn pass on that love to their eventual families. If you’ve seen a true example of this, it’s hard to forget. If you’ve experienced a bad example of this, it’s hard to forget as well.

May we all set good examples for our kids.

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Teddy Roosevelt, Why

The Beginning

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

When you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.

Teddy Roosevelt

Why am I starting a blog post, adding my name to the veritable barrage of mommy blogs, millennial blogs, foodies, critics, shoppers, self-help gurus, and so many others that have joined the search for identity online? Much like everyone else, there are two simple reasons:

  1. To bear my soul -> Many people don’t realize the challenges faced in suburbia by working dads (not single parent dads, just ones who have a job outside the home in general), the pressures and commitments, and the need to find a way to express myself in between meetings that require me to wear the noose around my neck that is called a tie, and coming home and rolling around with kids to give Mom a break.
  2. To prove my wife wrong -> And really, isn’t this why every man sets goals and pursuits? Because he has been challenged by his wife that “I bet you couldn’t….” fill in the blank here. And unashamedly, my wife thinks I am incapable of understanding the technology that is the Internet, as well as the having the follow through to actually compose blog posts, put words together in coherent sentences, and make this happen.

So over the course of the next year, prepare to join me on this journey of life with a family in Suburbia America. It’s going to be a wild ride, and I welcome you to strap yourself in between the car seats in back and come along with us.

Cheers!

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Thoughts

Priorities

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” 

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It’s astonishing how quickly the time goes right out the window (throw back for any who know the reference). One minute it’s morning, your feet are hitting the floor. You blink through groggy eyelids at the world around you and squint when the light turns on. The next minute you’re wrapping up for the day, getting ready for bed, and trying to remember all that had been packed into the day. Perhaps you measure your days in minutes behind a cash register, or maybe it’s in emails in your inbox/outbox. For others you measure life not in the breathes you take, but in the moments that take your breath away (for those who have the time).

And crammed into that space of a day you have your priorities. The things you must do, or want to do, or think you should do, or would love to start doing, or consider a hobby (although it’s been stuck on a shelf since the day you bought it). We set our priorities differently, but our calendar really tells us what the priorities were for the day. Was it your family? Did you really need to get in three more emails? Did you leave work at the time you promised you would? Did you stay as late as you were supposed to (because it IS a two way street)? How was the world different today because you were in it?

In my own life I seem to never find space for the things I want to do in the midst of the things I find myself doing. I’ve got half started projects, great ideas, fun hobbies, and passions strewn about in the wreckage of my calendar. Between the server mounted to my wall (which hasn’t been turned on in weeks) and the frisbees (which haven’t been thrown in months) sits the filing cabinet that needs to be shredded of old content and the tread mill I keep saying I should start using. There’s the website I said I would help build for my son’s preschool and the blog I told my wife anyone could do. Plus my kids and wife deserve some time.

How do we… how do I figure out how to balance it all? How do I cut things out? Will I ever want to just lie in a hammock again and read a book? Or am I on to new and better things. Ways to learn about work, kids to play with, etc? How would I fill a week off of work? These are the thoughts running through my head as I drive home from work. I’m a man who loves tinkering with various technologies, but only gets a weekend to focus on one before a new project rears it’s ugly head (like getting grass to grow in the front yard).

Anyone have some ideas on how to figure this out?

Cheers,

-SF

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Domestic Tranquility, Kids, Thoughts

Time’s Up

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

I hope many of you can relate to this and that I’m not alone. Scenario – you have to be somewhere in 30 minutes and you are at least 25 minutes away (that NEVER happens in suburbia, right?). As you hear the clock ticking in your head you notice your son is still playing in his underwear since he didn’t listen when you told him to finish getting dressed 20 minutes ago, and your daughter is still eating a snack. As you “politely” ask them to hurry up through clenched teeth, they ask “Why can’t I [play, eat] a few more minutes?”

And that’s when Daddy snaps. “Time’s up!” You highhandedly clothe the one while putting shoes on the other and simultaneously throw some snacks and water bottles in a bag and think to yourself “Why doesn’t their mother have this much trouble with them?” And yet, as soon as she gets back from wherever she is blissfully spending the morning, or as soon as you meet up with her she’s going to ask how it went. The answer, inevitably, is “great! Not a problem.” (mentally – can she see through the facade?)

We’re men. We can handle two small beings with the combined weight of a fully grown foxhound (or conversely 10 chihuahuas). We’ve got two arms and a full understanding of wrestling holds and bars perfected in Middle School. How hard can this be? That time you had to sell ice to people living in Alaska, that was hard. Finding the Titanic, a feat of nature. This is just two small kids. Why should we be afraid.

We neglect that God has already granted us with the perfect torture weapon for our enemies. It’s called the toddler. And I have two of them. I love them to death, every minute I spend with them is awesome. And yet it is draining and challenging at the same time. Somehow the two of them together make more racket than the 10 chihuahuas previously mentioned. While they are not strong enough to knock me over, they are strong enough to push every button that exists, and are at the wrong height so that an frustration push or punch when I’m standing is very unfortunate. As cute and cuddly as they can be when dozing with you in the rocking chair after reading a bedtime book, the switch can get flipped.

And so, we all get to that point. Time’s up! Not for them, but for your sanity. The steps you preach to them to calm down (take deep breaths, count to 10) flies out the window and if you are able to, by some miracle, appear outwardly calm, the swirling storm inside is raging. And of course this exacerbates the situations. Like wild animals, kids can sense tension, fear, and frustration. And they feed off of it. It’s like a box of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs spiked with pixie sticks. The situation just went downhill like a roller coaster, only there are no brakes.

And where do you go from there? Do you apologize? Let them know you’re sorry? Or file it away internally and mentally justify your actions because you were going to be late for that very important, non-life or death, meeting. And at the end of it all, let’s make sure our wives know we appreciate EVERYTHING they do.

Cheers,

-SF

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Uncategorized

Hard Conversations

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

It is very common to have hard conversations with your children. And I’m not talking about the birds and the bees (although when we play I spy out the window we see both). I’m talking about conversations that are hard to understand or not start laughing in the middle of. Here are some of my recent favorites…

Boring

  • Our son (faintly from upstairs this morning) – “Daddy…. Daddy…”
  • Me (calling up the stairs) – “What is it….?”
  • “I’m bored….”
  • “What do you mean?”
  • “There’s nothing to do!”
  • “Well why don’t you come down here with us?”
  • “What are you guys doing?”
  • “Oh, nothing. We’re boring people. But you can come be bored with us!”
  • “What would I do?”
  • “Nothing. Come be bored with us” (In reality we were getting breakfast ready and readying books)
  • “No thanks.”
  • “I thought you were bored?”
  • “No, there’s lot’s of things to do, I just can’t decide what.”

Mission accomplished

Public decency

  • (Son drops pants in public)
  • Me – “Pull your pants up!”
  • Son – “Why?”
  • “We don’t show our butts in public”
  • “But why”
  • “It’s not polite”
  • (Giggling) “Butt, butt, butt, butt.”
  • “Stop saying that word!”
  • (grabs his butt while trying to evade me) “Butt butt butt”
  • “Pull. Your. Pants. UP!”

Can’t hear trouble

  • (Daughter trying to take something of her brother’s) “Give it to me!”
  • Me (walking in) – “You can’t take things someone else is using.”
  • “Go out”
  • “You want me to leave just because you got in trouble?”
  • “Yes. Goout Goout Goout gooutgooutgooutgooutgooutgoutGOOUTGOOUT”
  • “I’m not going to leave just because you got in trouble”
  • “DADDY! GO OUT NOOOOW!”

What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard from your child?

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Uncategorized

Just keep writing… just keep writing

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

It’s easier for someone in the science/technology world to think they can do it all, to understand it all. But while it is easy to come up with topics and write for a while, eventually the creativity falls away. This is what we can call “writer’s block”, only that’s a generous title since I’m far from a writer, and exhausting one’s creativity is much more than just a “block” of the creative bent in your soul.

So what’s the answer? Give up?

Nay!

Press forward and keep writing!

Cheers

-SF

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Domestic Tranquility, Kids, Thoughts

Hostage Negotiation

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

For those who don’t know me, I’m an experienced hostage negotiator. This is a very high stress role where even the slightest mistake can be costly. You can train all you like, build up the rapport with your team, and run through scenarios until you are blue in the face, and none of that guarantees success when you are thrown into a real-world situation. The desires of the person feeling aggrieved could be all over the place and once someone snaps and gets to the point of making extremely irrational decisions you never know what is about to happen. It is my job to step into that chaos, find some form of a common ground, and stop parties on both sides from making any unfortunate decisions. I consider it a win if everyone walks away in one piece. Although some days I’m just happy to walk away without injury.

Last night was rough. There was a knock on the door and I was told I had to take care of a rapidly deteriorating situation (as these jobs normally start – you don’t get to be involved and step in until after everything has gone south). The local authority had exhausted their options, and they needed someone to deal with an individual physically lashing out at the world around them, screaming, and making demands that could not be met. Many people call this their worst nightmare. I call it Tuesday.

The first step is assessing the physical situation. What power does the alleged individual have at their disposal? How much damage can they do? How well contained are they? How many people are in harms way? What dollar figure would it take to replace property damage and how can they be kept away from making a bigger mess?

Once you have the lay of the land, you can move on to the higher level assessments. What are they demanding? Are they responding to logic? How can I establish a rapport with the individual? What demands am I prepared to give in to? What demands am I not authorized to commit to? When will it all end?

With all the assessments complete (and you get about 30 seconds to get a full grasp of what is going on before having to dive in) then you start talking. As long as the individual is talking, keep the lines of communication open. Even if you just repeat the same things over and over, keep them talking. Use physical restraints to keep them from causing damage, but otherwise provide the freedom to move and believe they have control over their world and decisions.

At times, like last night, it can seem like no progress is being made for quite a while. If you show signs of frustration or anger that only exacerbates the situation. You have to stay calm, even when you grow fatigued at doing the same thing over and over while getting yelled at. Give in where you can, but never show a chink in the armor of the untouchable demands.

Last night it took over 30 minutes of talking, guiding, physically getting near, starting to walk away, offer compromises to demands, and listening to yelling while calmly repeating our position before our daughter calmed down. She finally broke her position of Mommy reading her more books (after her bedtime routine was over) and let me help her change pajamas (that she got to pick out) before reading a book and crawling into her “big girl bed”.

For all the parents out there, life can seem insurmountable at times. It can feel like you have no outlet, like the stress won’t end. Believe me when I say there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. We went through stages like this with our son when he was 2, and he doesn’t act the same way anymore. You need to know your limits and when to tap out and ask your co-hostage negotiator to take over. Nights like Tuesday happen. But that doesn’t mean your family is falling apart or defunct. It’s kids growing up and not knowing how to handle their development.

Cheers,

-SF

*note, experience does not mean trained, nor employed as.

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Uncategorized

“I really don’t feel well”

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

Just a quick note to share how the weekend went. After our son claimed he felt sick and wanted to watch shows all day, he proceeded to go down hill. First he fell asleep in his chair in the middle of the morning. Then he woke up with a fever. That’s when daddy says “Ok, you can lie on the couch downstairs and rest.”

That night his sister starts acting sick with a lack of appetite and needing to go to bed early. By the morning, she has thrown up and spiked a fever as well. Just like that the weekend went from having plans to resting on the couch and taking care of kids. A few loads of laundry and some runs to the grocery store later, the kids are back on the upswing. And now we wait to see if the petri dish that is a house with little kids claims any more victims.

Cheers,

-SF

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Uncategorized

What I have learned so far…

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

It’s hard to believe but we’re now almost 4 weeks into blogging. As I mentioned, this blog has two purposes, to develop my writing and prove that anyone can blog. Now before anyone gets upset at that last statement, please note that I didn’t say blog well or gain 1000 followers. But today’s society has made anyone capable of putting our their thoughts and feelings for the internet to join in on. And for those who don’t have time to read, you can get someone to read it for you (it’s called a podcast).

The past few weeks have been a learning experience for me. I’ve enjoyed the writing and taking the time to put thoughts on paper (er… web pages?). But the most interesting thing for me was making connections between my kids and life, turning observations about them, into observations about life. I hope you have enjoyed it as well.

Cheers,

-SF

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Kids, Thoughts

“I Don’t Feel Well…”

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

No parent likes hearing the words “I don’t feel well” from their child. Sometimes you hear it when picking them up early from school, other times you hear it in the middle of the night. The words by themselves don’t tell you as much as the rest of the context: how they are walking, what their voice sounds like, the color of their skin, what their immediate next words are, etc.

This morning we heard it at 6:30 am when our son walked into the room. He sounded normal and his next words were, “I think I need to lie on the couch and watch shows all day.” Parental suspicion immediately kicked in and special detectives Mommy and Daddy started asking questions. “What do you mean?” “Where does it hurt?” “Can we get you some water?” Each answer was scrutinized to determine our response and the level of care that may be needed.

In this specific example, the questions continued to revolve around watching shows on the TV. Turns out he wanted everything he gets when he is well, plus the ability to lie on the couch and watch TV. Any ill effects were likely do to blooming plants and flowers triggering some allergies. No fever was detected and only a mild irritability had taken hold. We still treated him with some of the same basic rules for someone who is sick, but didn’t need to create a large plan for patient care and nurturing.

Had the answers been different we would have set him up with a nice comfy spot, given plenty of water, and provided a calm place to rest. In his mind, he was sick to the point of needing to be immobilized. In reality he is slightly under the weather, but will be fine by the end of the day.

I can definitely relate to him. I remember as a child feeling a tickle in the back of the throat that became a “sore throat” to stay home from school, which was followed up by playing games most of the day. Or suddenly “feeling better” when friends were home from school when I was really sick so I could get to play outside.

In our heads we morph reality to fit what we want it to look like. This manifests itself differently for everyone. Some of us like to pretend we are sick (or healthy) in order to get what we want. Others like to make up rules that only apply to themselves (“I have to live my life like this, while everyone else is held to a lower standard”). Still others (especially in the professional world) create a skewed world that views them as much more accomplished than they really are.

The worst part about these skewed realities, is when they come shattering down. When you find out you’re really not sick enough to spend the day on the couch like you hoped. When you find out that no matter how much you try to follow the rules for yourself, you never quite make it to the level of the people with lower standards. Or when you get your performance review and find out that management doesn’t view you the way that you view yourself. These days hurt, they feel like you have been wronged. Yet we neglect that the only reason we felt that way was because we skewed our reality in the first place. Let’s try to take a healthy view of ourselves and our surroundings.

Cheers,

-SF

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Kids, Thoughts

First Things First

Posted on by suburbanfatherhood

One of the awesome things about kids is watching them grow up, become more and more independent, and ultimately, gain enough knowledge and skills to take care of you in your old age. This post is dedicated to a lot of the unique firsts you get as a parent.

  1. First time driving them home
  2. First steps
  3. First words
  4. First time operating technology
  5. First time having a conversation with Alexa
  6. First time saying a word in public that you don’t want people knowing you taught them
  7. First time hearing “I love you”
  8. First time hearing “I hate you”
  9. First time having food thrown in your face
  10. First time falling asleep with them on your chest
  11. First time playing video games with them
  12. First time chasing them down as they try to run away outside
  13. First time hearing they root for the other team
  14. First time sharing ice cream on a hot summer day
  15. First time watching the sun set

Cheers,

SF

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